Adult JokesEntente Not So Cordiale An American tourist in London is wandering around the city, taking in the sights and generally getting to know the people. Every so often he stops at a pub, orders a pint and takes the opportunity to chat with the natives. Eventually the beer catches up with him. He has to go, but he's in a part of the city with no pubs, no stores, no restaurants and no public toilets, just large, stately residences. Close to the point of passing out, he finds a narrow side street with high walls on both sides and opts to take a leak there. He starts to unzip his trousers, but then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns his head to find a policeman stood behind him. "I'm sorry, sir, but you can't do that here," says the policeman. "I'm sorry as well, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go and I can't find a public toilet." "Follow me, sir," says the policeman, who proceeds to lead the American to a wall with a small gate. Opening the gate, he says "Try in there." The American goes through the gate and emerges into the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Everything is perfection: manicured lawns, statuary, fountains and sculptured hedges, one of which he waters generously. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the policeman, "Thanks. Was that an example of British hospitality?" "No, sir," replies the policeman. "That was the French Embassy." The Drunk A policeman found a very drunk man staggering about the pavement with a key in his hand. "What's happening here then?" asked the policeman. "They stole my car!" shouted the man. "Where did you last see the car, sir?" asked the policeman. "On the end of this key!" wailed the man. The policeman looked hard at the man and said "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?" "Shit!" screamed the drunk. "They kidnapped my wife too!"
Hell's Kitchen A Hell's Angel was having problems with his motorbike. Every time it rained, the seal leaked and he had to put Vaseline on it. He carried a jar of Vaseline with him wherever he went. One night he went to his girlfriend's home for the first time to meet her parents. When he arrived, she was standing outside waiting for him. "Whatever else you do, don't talk at the dinner table," she warned him. "The first person to speak has to do the dishes." They went inside to find pots piled high to the kitchen ceiling and nobody saying a word. "I'm going to have bit of fun here," he thought and promptly grabbed the mother, threw her on the dinner table and shagged her. When he was finished, his girlfriend was furious and her Dad was seething, but still nobody said a word. "I'll have a bit more fun," thought the Hell's Angel, so he grabbed his girlfriend and shagged her on the dinner table. The mother was a little jealous, his girlfriend was much happier and her Dad was livid, but still nobody said a word. Suddenly the heavens opened and rain began to beat on the roof of the house. The Hell's Angel stood up and pulled the jar of Vaseline from his back pocket. The father stood up, retreated to the nearest wall and said "Fuck that! I'll do the dishes!" Mistaken Identity A man is standing in a queue at the supermarket, when he notices that the sexy blonde standing behind him is smiling knowingly at him. He is quite taken aback that such a looker would be doing this to him. He thinks her face is familiar, but he can't place where he might know her from. He says "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children." His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says "Are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates, whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and put a cucumber up my arse?" "Um, no," she says. "I'm your son's Maths teacher." Real Skill The Emperor of Japan advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Three people applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward and opened a tiny box to release a fly. He drew his sword and swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. The Chinese samurai smiled and opened a tiny box to release a fly. He drew his sword and swish! swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered. The Jewish samurai stepped forward and released his fly. He drew his sword and swooooooosh! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched scream, but continued to fly around. "What kind of skill is that?" asked the Emperor. "The fly isn't even dead". "Dead, schmead" replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. But circumcision, now that takes skill."
Pussy Tamer A circus owner advertises for a lion tamer. Two young adults apply for the job. One is a bloke in his mid-twenties, while the other is a gorgeous blonde woman of roughly the same age. The circus owner tells them "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you'd better be good or you're history." He points to a pile of stuff by the lion's cage. "Here's your equipment: a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to go first?" The young woman says "I'll go first." She walks past the equipment and steps straight into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and then roar and then charges at her. Unabashed, the young woman throws open her coat to reveal her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in its tracks. Sheepishly, it crawls up to the young woman and licks her ankles. Then it moves onto her calves, kisses them, and finally rests its head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. "I've never seen a display like that in my life," he says. He turns to the young man and asks "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man. "Just get that lion out of the cage." Decisions, Decisions A man wants to get married, but he is having trouble choosing from three likely candidates. So he gives each woman £5,000 and waits to see what each does with the money. The first has a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, has new make up and buys several new outfits so she can dress up for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him, because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She makes 350% profit and, after returning £5,000 to the man, she reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future, because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the blonde with the big tits. Something For The Weekend A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to a major department store in search of a job. The manager liked him, so he gave him a job as a salesman. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked him "So how many sales did you make today?" The salesman answered "One." The manager groaned. "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The salesman replied "£101,237.64." The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?" The salesman said "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod." "Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat." "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki." The manager said incredulously "You mean to tell me, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4 x 4?" The salesman replied "No, no, no. He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said 'Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing'." Wink! Wink! A man with a serious winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you." "But wait!" says the interviewee. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking." "Really? Great! Show me.!" says the interviewer. So the interviewee reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer. "That's all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country." "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" exclaimed the interviewee. "So how do you explain all these condoms?" asked the interviewer. "Oh, that!" he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Product Matching A man walks into a convenience store and asks the shop assistant where he can find the shaving cream. "Aisle 3," replies the assistant. The man finds the shaving cream and returns to the counter to pay for it. The assistant asks "What kind of razor do you have?" The man replies "What does it matter?" The assistant says "Well, sometimes different creams work better with certain razors." Thinking the assistant is talking bullshit, the man pays and leaves. A few days later, the man returns to the store for toothpaste. This time the assistant asks "What kind of toothbrush do you use?" The man replies "What does it matter?" The assistant says "Well, sometimes different toothpastes work better with certain toothbrushes." The following week, the man enters the store with a box in his hand. He walks up to the shop assistant and says "Take a whiff of that!" The assistant does so and recoils in disgust. "That smells like shit!" he says. "Exactly!" says the man. "Now what brand of toilet paper should I buy?" Retirement Present It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family. They congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift in a big envelope. At the second house, he was presented with a box of fine cigars. The people at the third house gave him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and led him up the stairs to the bedroom, whereupon she blew his mind with the most amazing session of sex that he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a full English breakfast. As she was pouring him a second cup of tea, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from underneath the cup. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said. "But what's the £5 note for?" "Well," she said. "Last night, I told my husband that you would be retiring today and so I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him! Give him a fiver!" Then she continued "But the breakfast was my idea." The Path to Heaven One day, a black guy, a white guy and a Spanish guy died in a car crash and went to heaven. St. Peter appeared and said "If you can cross this bridge with naked women with big breasts on it without having an erection, you can go to heaven." The black guy said "I can do this." He started walking across the bridge but, at the halfway point, saw the most beautiful woman in the whole world bending over. He gained an immediate erection and so was condemned to hell. The Spanish guy went next. He made it three quarters of the way and then saw the same women as the black guy. Same reaction, same fate. Then the white guy took his turn and lo! he made it all the way across despite seeing the same woman bent over! St. Peter said "Good job, my son. Welcome to heaven" and hugged the white man... .... who got an instant erection.
Players The ambassador of an African nation visited Russia and, for three days, was wined, dined and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer by his opposite number. On the final day of the ambassador's visit, his Russian host said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game: Russian roulette." "How do you play this game?" asked the ambassador. "It's simple," replied the Russian. "One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head and pull the trigger." Being a proud man descended of a warrior people, to show fear would be unthinkable for the ambassador, so he agreed to play. Both men took their guns, spun and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty and neither man was harmed. Both men breathed a sigh of relief. Not many months later, the Russian visited the ambassador's country and was treated to the finest hospitality. On the final day of his stay, the Russian was led by the ambassador to a private room in which there six beautiful women, all totally naked. "Now," said the ambassador. "it is time for you to sample our national game, African roulette". "How do we play this game?" asked the Russian. "Any one of these women will give you oral sex," replied the ambassador. "Just take your pick." The Russian was well up for this, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. "Fine," he replied. "But where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" The African ambassador answered "One of them's a cannibal." Expensive Dilemma Two men are sitting in adjacent cubicles in a public toilet. One calls to the other "There is no toilet paper here. Do you have any there?" The second man replies "Sorry, but there isn't any here either." The first man asks "Would you happen to have a magazine or newspaper?" The second man says "Sorry, no." The first man goes silent for a few moments and then asks "Do you have change for a twenty?" Fatal Admission A dwarf walked into a bar and slipped over on a piece of shit on the floor. Without any fuss, he picked himself up, went to the bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes later, a veritable giant of a man walked in and slipped on the same piece of shit. The dwarf said "I just did that!" So the big man killed him.
What's Sex? A little girl runs out to the garden and asks her father "What's sex?" The father is shocked, but thinks it best to be honest so he explains in great depth all about the birds and the bees. By the time he is finished, the daughter is wide eyed. "Why did you want to know this?" asks her father. "Because Mum said to tell you dinner would be ready in a couple of secs," she replies. Opposites A theology professor at a rural community college started a new class by asking his students "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "Very good," said the professor. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," replied another student. "Quite so," agreed the professor. "And the opposite of woe?" A redneck in the back of the class responded "I reckon that would be giddy up, mister." The Nudist Beach A man is lying on a nudist beach reading the newspaper, when he sees a little girl walking towards him. He covers himself with the newspaper. The little girl arrives by his side and asks "What's under your paper?" The man replies "My pet parrot." The girl asks "Can I see it?" The man says "No! Now be on your way." The girl leaves. It's a warm day and before long the man nods off. Several hours later, he awakes to find himself lying in a hospital bed. The girl and her mother and standing beside it. "How did I get here?" asks the man. Looking embarrassed, the mother says "Tell him, darling." The girl says "I'm really sorry, but I peeked at your pet parrot and it spat at me. So I broke its neck, smashed the eggs and burnt the nest." How to Pull Chicks A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow, when the horse fell into a mud hole and began to sink. The horse called to the chicken to get the farmer to pull him to safety. So the chicken ran to the farmhouse, but couldn't find the farmer. Thinking fast, she jumped into the farmer's BMW, drove it back to the mud hole and tied some rope around the bumper. She then threw the other end of the rope to the horse and drove the car forward, saving him from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to get some help from the farmer. The horse said "No, I think I can fix this without his help." So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said "Grab my dick and pull yourself up." And lo! The chicken grabbed the horse's dick and pulled herself to safety. The moral of the story: if you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks! Marathon Man A woman was having an affair with a younger man. One afternoon she was at home in bed with her boyfriend, when her husband's car pulled up outside. "Hurry!" she screamed at her toy boy. "Get your clothes and jump out of the window. My husband has come home early!" The young man said "I can't do that! It's raining cats and dogs out there and I'm naked!" "If my husband catches us in here," the woman warned, "He will kill both of us!" So the young man grabbed his clothes and exited via the window, only to land smack in the middle of a marathon race. Lacking any better ideas, he started to run alongside the many people taking part in the race. Needless to say, being butt naked and carrying his clothes over one arm, he was soon noticed. One runner asked "Do you always run in the nude?" Gasping for breath, the young man "Oh yes! It's a great feeling having the air blow over my skin while I'm running." Another runner asked "Do you always carry your clothes with you?" "Sure do!" he answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed at the end of the run, get in my car and just go straight home without waiting in the queue for a shower." Then a third runner "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The young man answered "Only if it's raining." Hickory Dickory Dock A woman went to see her doctor for advice about a boob job. "What's the deal with implants, Dr Jones?" she asked. "No need for those," replied Dr Jones. "Just exercise." "What kind of exercise?" asked the woman. "Every morning when you wake up, rub your boobs and say 'Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies'. It's worked for many of my patients," said Dr Jones. The woman liked the sound of this, so she faithfully rubbed her boobs and chanted 'Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies' every morning for several weeks. And lo! they started to get bigger. One day she overslept and, rushing to get the train, forgot all about her morning routine. Undaunted, while standing on the platform she began to recite 'Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies' while rubbing her breasts. A man standing near her edged closer and asked "Is your GP Dr Jones?" "Why yes!" said the woman. "How did you know?" The man replied "Hickory dickory dock!" Fleet Cars Three boys are asked by their teacher to say what they would like to be made of and to explain why. The first boy says "I would like to be made of gold, Miss." "Why is that?" asked the teacher. "Well, I could scratch my arm and a bit of gold would fall off and I could buy myself a car." "Very good," said his teacher. The second boy says "I would like to be made of platinum, because it's worth more than gold and when I scratch myself I will be able to by two cars." "Very good," said the teacher. The third boy said "I would like to be made of pubic hair, Miss." "And why is that?" the teacher asked in suprise. "Well my sister only has a little bit and you should see the cars outside my house." For Women Only Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it
take to do the dishes? Headache Cure The manager arrived at his office one morning, complaining of a headache. His assistant manager listened sympathetically and then said "Just last week I had a terrible headache, but my wife cured it very quickly. It may seem an odd cure, but she took off all her clothes, pulled me down on the bed, gave me a super blow job and in no time at all the pain was gone." The manager grabbed his coat and said "I've tried everything else. Is you wife home now?" Death By Irony Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How did you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic and, just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." A Dragon's Tale A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter. He asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter. And finally he asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry. She replied "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground." Elbow Room A man enters a hotel lobby and, as he turns to walk towards the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman. His elbow hits her breast. Both parties are startled by the collision. The man says to the woman "Madam, please accept my apologies. I know that if your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me." The woman replies "That's OK. And if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." Clairvoyance A man goes to the supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans He takes them to the checkout, where the girl asks if he is single. "Why yes," the man replies. "How ever did you guess?" The girl replies "You're an ugly bastard." Cautious to the End A man asks his friend "If there was a warning that a nuclear bomb was headed this way and it would hit us in 30 minutes, what would be the first thing that you'd do?" His friend replies "Easy! I'd screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?" The man replies "I'd stand very still for half an hour." Court Coughing Joe Smith is in court. The police have thrown the book at him and he's been found guilty of several serious crimes. The judge begins "Smith, you have been found guilty of drug smuggling, murder, manslaughter and extortion." Unable to help himself, Joe begins to cough. "COUGH! COUGH! COUGH!" The judge continues "You have also been found guilty of kidnapping..." COUGH!! COUGH!! COUGH!! "You have also been found guilty of car theft..." COUGH!!!COUGH!!!COUGH!!! The judge breaks off. "Smith, that's a terrible cough you have. Why don't you suck on a Fisherman's Friend?" Joe clears his throat and, in a surprised voice, responds "Bloody hell, m'Lud! Aren't I in enough trouble already?" Dual Purpose A boy is walking down the corridor at school, talking to his friends. The topic of conversation turns to dicks. "My dad has two penises," the boy tells his friends. "You're full of shit!" exclaims another boy. "You can't have two penises. That's impossible!" "No, really, it's true," replies the first boy. "He has a little one that he uses to go to the bathroom and a big one that he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth." The Common Touch What are the three most oft-used lies? 1.The check is in the mail. 2. Small is beautiful. 3. I won't come in your mouth. Old Enemies A German family go to town one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop, the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this. She whacks him round the head and says "Go and talk to your mother." So off goes the little lad with the football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The mother is outraged at this, whacks him around the head twice and says "Go and talk to your father." Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged, whacks his son around the head four times and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in that!" About half an hour later, they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today." The son says "Yes, Dad. I have." "Good, son. What is it?" asks his father. The son replies "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and I hate all you German bastards already."
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