Blonde JokesHouston, We Have a ProblemAn aeroplane is on its way to Houston, when a blonde in Economy Class gets up, moves to the First Class section and sits down. A flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit there. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes to the cockpit. She tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman, who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde!" So the pilot goes to see the blonde and whispers in her ear. "Oh! I'm sorry!" she says, gets up and moves back to her seat in Economy Class. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make the blonde move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston." Ready! Aim! ... Three women are about to be executed by firing squad for crimes they've committed: one's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. Two guards bring the brunette forward. The executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, so the executioner shouts "Ready! Aim!" Suddenly the brunette yells "Earthquake!" Everyone is startled and looks around. The brunette seizes her opportunity and escapes. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward. The executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, so he shouts "Ready! Aim!" The redhead screams "Tornado!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. The redhead seizes her chance and escapes. By this time, the blonde has figured out what has been happening. The guards bring her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no. The executioner shouts "Ready! Aim!" And the blonde shouts "Fire!"
The Blonde and the BMW A blonde pushed her BMW into a garage and told the mechanic "It died." The mechanic worked on the car for a few minutes, turned the ignition and hey presto! the engine burst into life and idled smoothly. The blonde asked "What's the story?" The mechanic replied "Just crap in the carburettor." "Hmmmmmm...," said the blonde, looking somewhat taken aback. "How often do I have to do that?" Office Sex Three secretaries are standing in a lift. The first, a brunette, says "That looks like cum on the floor!" The second, a redhead, kneels down, takes a sniff and says "Well it smells like cum!" The third, a blonde, kneels down, smears a bit on her finger, licks it and says "It is cum. But it isn't from anyone in this office!" Blonde In Space The Space Shuttle launches with a crew comprising two monkeys and a blonde. Once they're in orbit, Houston makes contact. "This is Houston. Could monkey number 1 please carry out your task." Monkey number 1 jumps over to the console, taps in a few
instructions "This is Houston. Could monkey number 2 please carry out your task." Monkey number 2 jumps over to the console and enters the
commands "This is Houston. Could the blonde please ca..." "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
The Sperm Donor A man was running for a lift and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors. The doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. He said "Good morning! Which floor are you going to?" She responded "Third floor." He pushed the third floor button, plus the fifth floor for himself. As the lift started moving, the man struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said "I'm going to the blood bank on the third floor. I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the gentleman where he was going. He responded "I'm going to the sperm bank on the fifth floor. I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income." The next week the same scenario happened. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the third floor. The blonde responded in a garbled tone "No. Fifth floor first." Dizzy Diet A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." Hello, Mum! A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed "I don't have any money. But I'd do anything to get a message to my mother." The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door," the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zip." She did. "Now go ahead take it out," he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands and then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well, go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, she said "HELLO, MUM! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
Blonde Medley Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first? Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions. ***** The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please," she said. "I could never eat twelve." ***** A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, which read "For best results, put on two coats". ***** Two blondes were in a parking lot, trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!" Second Blonde: "Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!" ***** Three blondes were walking through a field, when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said "I think they could be bird tracks." The second blonde went to look and said "No, I think these are deer tracks." They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train. ***** A blonde asked someone what time it was. They told her it was 4:45pm. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face, replied "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer." ***** A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink. They sat on stools, watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge and the blonde bet the redhead £50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead £50. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde insisted "No. A bet's a bet." So the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again."
The Kitchen Sink Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink? A: That's where you clean vegetables. Gee Up A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had
no prior experience.
Where Are We? Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the correct pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are and do it very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
Send Us Your Jokes Do you have a joke, a story or a picture that's made you laugh or snigger enough to share with our visitors? Then send it to Aaron. |
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