Dirty JokesOut of Court A gay couple are out for a drive one afternoon. While stationary at a set of traffic lights, they are rear ended by a white van. Furious, the guy in the passenger seat gets out of the car, walks to the van and starts banging on the door. The van driver opens the door and the gay guy says "I'm going to sue your arse." The van driver laughs and says "Suck my dick!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car and says excitedly to his partner "You won't believe it, but he wants to settle out of court." Bless You! A man and a woman are sitting next to each other on an aeroplane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure that he saw what she did and, on reflection, decides that he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass by and the woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is amazed. He can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass and the woman sneezes yet again. Once more, she takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man has finally seen all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs. What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling bad, says "I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman replies "Pepper." The Harem Three men were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women and started getting friendly with them, when suddenly the Sheikh came in. "I am the master of all these women," said the Sheikh. "No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The Sheikh turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a cop", said the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheikh. He turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheikh. Finally, he asked the third man "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered "I'm a lollipop salesman."
The Good Time Guy A man said to his workmate "Matey, sorry to tell you this, but your new girlfriend is big and ugly." The workmate replied "So is my dick, but that doesn't stop me from having a good time with it." Sore After Taste A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. Thanking his lucky stars, he heads straight for the off licence and buys a bottle of white wine. It takes no more than an hour for the tramp to polish off the vino, whereupon he collapses in a doorway and falls into a drunken stupor. A few minutes later, a homosexual passes the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having enjoyed much in the way of sexual activity for a while, he pulls down the tramp's trousers and does the dirty deed. Before leaving, he tucks a five pound note into the tramp's coat pocket. After waking the next day, the tramp discovers the fiver in his pocket. He can barely believe his good fortune at finding a fiver two days running, so he heads back to the same off licence and buys another bottle of white wine. Retiring to the same doorway as before, he downs the vino in some style and, once again, passes out. Some time later, the same homosexual walks by and notices the tramp. Unable to contain himself, he does the dirty deed once more; and, once again, he leaves a fiver in the tramp's coat pocket. The following day the tramp awakens and finds yet another fiver in his coat pocket, so it's away to the off licence once more post haste. This time he takes a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant. By now familiar with the tramp's usual habits, the sales assistant asks why he is buying red wine today. "I quite like the white wine," replies the tramp. "But it doesn't half make my arse sore." The Wager A deaf mute walks into a chemist's to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and, finally, in frustration unzips his trousers, places his dick on the counter and places a £5 note next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and then picks up the £5 note and puts it in his pocket. Totally exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says. "If you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Testing the Water Three men - a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian - were standing by a lake. The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and then announced "The temperature of the water is 32 degrees Celsius." The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his dick in the water, waited and said "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius." "OK," said the Nigerian. "Let me try". So he took his dick and lowered it into the lake. "I've no idea about the temperature," he said. "But the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep." The Three Whores There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got £20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother. "In my day we gave a blow job for £5." "That's nothing!" said the grandmother. "In my day we were grateful for something warm in our stomach." Walking the Dog A man, a dog and a sheep drift are shipwrecked. They make it safely to an island, which has everything the man might need or want; but, within a few days, he is desperate for a shag. He looks at the dog and thinks to himself "No way". He looks at the sheep and thinks "Why not?" So he walks up to the sheep and drops his trousers, but the dog runs up and starts barking and the sheep runs away. The following day he tries again, but the dog runs up and starts barking and the sheep runs away. This continues every day for many months. One day, the man is walking along the beach and finds a victim of another shipwreck, an absolutely gorgeous woman, who he carries to his camp. On coming round, the woman gets down on her knees and says "Thank you! Thank you! To repay you I will do anything you ask of me, anything!" So the man thinks for a moment and then asks "You couldn't take this dog for a walk could you?"
Screwed A man is driving down a deserted stretch of road when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought, but soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He begins to realise that these signs are for real when he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS His curiosity gets the better of him and he takes the next right. On the far side of the car park is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the road and became interested in possibly doing business." "Very well my son," says the nun. "Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and says to the man "Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun tells him "Please place £100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts £100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks and he finds himself back in the car park facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. Porno Mum A young woman awaiting admittance to a maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I don't have a husband." she replies. "Do you have a partner then?" asks the midwife. "No. I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth, the midwife tells the young woman "You have a healthy, bouncing, baby girl, but I must warn you that she is black." "That's no surpise," replies the new mother. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry!" says the midwife. "But I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "That figures," the women replies. "The black actor's co-star was Swedish." "The baby also has slanted eyes," said the midwife. "There was a little Chinese man in the movie as well," said the new mother. At this, the midwife presents the baby to its mother, who immediately gives the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife. "Well," says the mother. "I was worried that she was going to bark." Sheep Shagger A Welshman new to farming buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again!" he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says. "They're all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn."
Near Death Experience A little boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mother topless. "Mummy! What are those?" he asks, pointing to her breasts. "Well, son," replies his mother. "These are balloons and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven." Satisfied with this explanation, the boy leaves the bathroom. Two days later, the boy rushes into the kitchen. "Mummy! Mummy!" he shouts. "Aunt Mary is dying! "What do you mean?" asks his mother. "Well," replies her son, "She's in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!" Sore Point Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Bob were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said, "Bob, it's been a long time now. I REALLY need to have sex." Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, oh Thor, and find yourself a prostitute and give her a bloody good seeing to." So Thor did just that. The next day, he came back up to see Bob and told him of the previous night's events. "Oh Bob," he said, grinning like a shagged out god. "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times." "37 times?!" exclaimed Bob. "You must go and apologise this instant!" So Thor went back down to Earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..." "You're Thor?!" shouted the girl. "You're Thor?! I can't even pith!" Many A Slip A man was sitting at a bar, staring at his untouched beer and looking downcast. The barman asked "What's up, mate?" The man replied "I spoke to my brother today. He told me that there is a private sperm bank near his office paying £25 per donation." The barman asked "And what's the problem with that?" The man replied "It made me realise that since puberty I've allowed a fortune to slip through my fingers."
A Model Lodger Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young, attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks. She said she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard, and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about you're husband?" asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping out of her clothes, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity, and he did not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open, and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked toward the curtains and pointed toward the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later, Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes," said Fred, "I have. But the rest of the dart team hadn't." Eye, Eye! A man goes to his optician for an eye examination. They strike up a conversation, in the middle of which the optician says "You need to stop masturbating." The man replies "Why? Am I going blind?" "No. It upsets the other patients in the waiting room." Fallen Woman A woman was standing on the balcony of her 25th floor flat when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn!" she thought as she fell. "What a way to die!" As she passed the 17th floor, a man standing on his balcony caught her by the arm. He asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked. So he let go of the woman. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed. So he dropped her too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time by a man on the 8th floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said and dropped her.
Health Check A man was complaining to a workmate about a pain in his elbow. "It hurts like hell," he said. "I suppose I'd better see a doctor." "Don't waste your time at the surgery," his mate replied. "There's a diagnostic computer at the supermarket. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs a fiver." So the man collected a urine sample and took it to the supermarket. He popped five, one pound coins into the computer, which responded by asking for his urine sample. The man poured the sample into a slot on top of the computer and waited. Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout that read: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks". The man was amazed, but he began wondering whether the computer could be fooled. So he mixed some tap water with a stool sample from his dog, added urine samples from his wife and daughter and, for good measure, masturbated into the mixture. Then he hurried back to the supermarket. He popped five, one pound coins into the computer and, when bidden by the computer, poured the sample into the slot. Ten seconds later, the computer printed the following: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. See a solicitor. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get Fancy Dress A man arrived at a fancy dress party wearing nothing but his underpants. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants." In The Dark A man and a woman were having sex in a dark forest.After about ten minutes, the man said "You know, I wish I had a torch." "So do I", replied the woman. "You've been eating grass for the last ten minutes." Do You Mind If I Wait? A woman entered a pharmacy and asked "Do you sell extra large condoms?" The counter assistant replied "As a matter of fact we do. Would you like some?" The woman responded "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?" Safe Sex A successful businessman was having dinner with a female account executive from Liverpool, who had been pitching for his business. After one too many glasses of wine, he bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. The account executive was intrigued. She said "If I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with you. Let's go back to my hotel." So they went back to her hotel and, after a couple of drinks went to bed and had mad passionate sex. Afterwards, the old man said "If you think that was good, let me sleep for an hour and we can have even better. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." She was a little perplexed by this request, but willingly agreed. True to his word, the man woke up an hour later and they had even better sex than before. "Now let me sleep for two hours," he said. "And we'll have the best sex yet. But you'll have to..." "I know. You want me to hold onto your bat 'n' balls again. No problem!" she replied and complied willingly. Two hours later, he woke again and the results were absolutely mind blowing. The woman asked "Tell me, this business of holding your balls in one hand and your dick in the other, does it really stimulate you that much?" The man replied "No, not at all. But the last time I slept with a Scouser, the bitch stole my wallet." Best Feature David moves into a new apartment. He goes to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. David smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. David breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He follows her into the apartment and, after closing the door, she leans against it and allows her robe to fall off completely and asks "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered, David clears his throat several times and finally says "It's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt's firm, doesn't sag and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?" Clearing his throat once again, David stammers "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me." Big Brother One night a 17 year old decides to take his girlfriend home for a little fun. Unfortunately he shares a room with his younger brother, who is only 9 years old. They have bunk beds. Little brother is already asleep in the lower bunk, so big brother and his girlfriend climb into the top bunk. As things start to get moving, big brother remembers that little brother is sleeping below. He tells his girlfriend to whisper "Lettuce" if she wants it harder and "Tomato" if she wants a new position. "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato!" she screams. And continues "Lettuce! Tomato! Whoa! PULL IT OUT! PULL IT OUT NOW! I can't get pregnant!" Little brother rolls over and shout, "Hey, would you stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!" A Tale of Two Toasts A man was taking part in a toasting competition at his local pub. When it came round to his turn, he hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" This won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife "I won the prize for the best toast of the night!" "Wonderful!" she replied. "What was your toast?" He said "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside my wife." "Oh, that is lovely!" she replied and kissed him on the cheek. The next day, the wife ran into one of her husband's friends who had been at the toasting competition. He said "Your old man won first prize the other night with a toast about you." She said "Yes and what a surprise! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Send Us Your Jokes Do you have a joke, a story or a picture that's made you laugh or snigger enough to share with our visitors? Then send it to Aaron. |
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