Doctor JokesGood News, Bad News "I've got some good news and some bad news," the doctor says to his patient. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that, unfortunately, you've only got three months to live." The patient is taken aback, but he asks "What's the good news then?" The doctor points to the secretary at the front desk. "You see that brunette with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to her armpits?" he asks. The patient nods his head and the doctor replies "I'm shagging her." Sexual Health A student in medical school wanted to specialise in sexual disorders, so he arranged to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor was giving him a tour of the place, discussing cases and the facilities, when the student saw a patient masturbating in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" asked the student. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replied. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release 40 to 50 times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student made a note and they continued down the hall. As they turned the corner, they saw another patient receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asked. "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replied. "He just has a better health plan." Private Treatment A very attractive woman went to see a gynaecologist. When she walked into his surgery, all reason went straight out the window. He told the woman to undress and started to rub his hands up and down her thigh. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asked her. "Yes. You're checking for abnormalities or abrasions." "Correct" he replied, hardly believeing his luck. He then fondled her breasts and asked "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "You're checking for any lumps which might need to be looked at," she replied. "Correct!" he said, smiling broadly. He then drops his trousers and proceeds to have sex with her. "And do you know what I'm doing here?" he asked. "Yes," replied the woman. "You're getting herpes."
Balls Up! The doctor said "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates the headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. Finally, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, he felt like a different person. When he saw a men's outfitters, he thought he'd celebrate by buying a new suit. So he entered the shop and told the salesman "I'd like a new suit." The tailor eyed him briefly and said "Let's see: size 48 long." Joe laughed. "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit, which fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?" Joe said "OK." The salesman eyed Joe and said "Let's see: 38 sleeve and 17 neck." Again, Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, which was a perfect fit. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "OK." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see: size 10, wide fitting." Joe was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they were a perfect fit. As he walked around the shop, the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe said "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see: 36" waist." Joe laughed. "Aha! Got you! I've worn 34" underpants since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head. "You can't wear those. They would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." Spaghetti Aplenty A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. One day, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a wad of cash and asked her to go to Italy to have the baby. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the surgery. "Darling, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Italy. I don't understand what it means," she said. The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard and fell to the floor with a heart attack. En route to the hospital, one of the paramedics asked the doctor's wife what had precipitated the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and rea, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'" The Naked Truth A young woman having a physical examination was very embarrassed by her weight problem. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said. "I've let myself go." The doctor said "Don't feel ashamed. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
Second Opinion A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion".
Send Us Your Jokes Do you have a joke, a story or a picture that's made you laugh or snigger enough to share with our visitors? Then send it to Aaron. |
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