Frog JokesCheaper By The Inch One day a young woman went into a pet shop to buy some fish food. As she was putting her purchases on the counter, she noticed a small cardboard box with some frogs in it and a large sign that read: “Pussy-Eating Frogs. Now only £19.99 each (comes with full instructions).” She looked around to see if anybody was watching her and then whispered to the salesman behind the counter. “Will these do what I think they do?" "What do you think they'll do?" asked the salesman. "Eat.. er, um - eat my pussy?" whispered the woman. "You bet," said the salesman. "I’ll take one," said the woman excitedly. The salesman wrapped up a frog and put in the woman's bag. She was so excited by the time that she got home that she went straight to her bedroom and locked the door. Then she unwrapped the frog and read the following instructions: "Get undressed and take a shower. Then put on some nice smelling perfume and your sexiest knickers. Get into bed, spread your legs really wide and put the frog down between them." Three minutes later she lay down on the bed, breathless with anticipation. To her surprise, nothing happened. "Perhaps the frog doesn't like my perfume," she said to herself. So she took another shower and tried a different perfume. She got back into bed and put the frog between her legs again, but still nothing happened. "Perhaps the frog doesn't like these knickers," she said to herself. So she tried another pair knickers - still nothing. So she took a third shower, tried yet another perfume and another pair of knickers. But the frog just sat between her legs blinking at her with its watery eyes. So then she tried it with no knickers. The frog never moved an inch. Then she tried lying on her tummy - still nothing. By this time she was so angry and frustrated that she got dressed, poured herself a stiff drink and read the instructions again, just in case she'd missed something important. Right at the bottom of the paper in small print it said: “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop.” So, she did. "Your pussy-eating frog doesn't work!" she shouted down the telephone. "I've tried everything and the bloody animal hasn't moved a muscle!" “I'm very sorry to hear that, madam," said the salesman. "To be perfectly frank, you are the fourth customer who's complained this week. I’ll be right over.” As soon as the salesman arrived, he asked her if she would mind showing him exactly what she did when she unwrapped the frog. "Well - I'm not sure," she said warily. "I hardly know you." "But I have to know if you've followed the instructions properly, madam." She reluctantly agreed and took another shower. Then she put on some perfume, a pair of knickers and laid down on the bed with her legs apart. Then the salesman put the frog between her legs. "See!" she said, angrily, "I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the bloody thing just sits there staring at me with its googly eyes!” The man was very concerned. He picked up the frog, looked deeply into its eyes and said “Look, I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!” All That Jazz A drunk is sitting in a bar. "Bartender! Give me another drink," he shouts. The bartender shakes his head and says "No! You’re drunk." "Well," the drunk says, "How about if I show you something really neat? Then, will you give me another drink?" "OK," the bartender says, "But it will have to be really spectacular." The drunk takes a small saxophone and a frog out of his pockets and sets them on the bar. The frog picks up the saxophone and starts playing a jazz song. The bartender says that is worth a drink. The drunk guzzles it down, and asks for another. "You can’t have another," the bartender says. "You've had too many already." "If you let me have another drink, I'll show you something more spectacular than the frog," says the drunk. The bartender laughs at the drunk, but he agrees. So the drunk pulls a hamster out of his pocket and puts it up on the bar beside the frog. The frog plays the saxophone again and the hamster sings to the music. The bartender laughs and puts another drink on the bar. Another guy sitting next to the drunk has been watching the show. He says "You've got an amazing team there. I'll give you £1,000,000 for them right now." "They are not for sale," the drunk says. "OK, £1,000,000 just for the frog." "He’s not for sale." "OK, £1,000,000 just for the hamster." The drunk agrees, so the guy gives the drunk the money and walks out of the bar with the hamster. The bartender, shocked and confused, asks the drunk "Why did you sell the hamster? You broke up an amazing team." "No I didn’t," the drunk says. "You see, the frog's a ventriloquist."
Weird Science A scientist was interested in studying how far frogs can jump. He took a frog into his laboratory, set it down and said "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog jumped across the room. The scientist measured the distance and noted in his journal "Frog with four legs - jumped eight feet." Then he cut off the frog's front legs and said "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog struggled but jumped a few feet. After measuring the distance, the scientist noted in his journal "Frog with two legs - jumped three feet." Then the scientist cut off the frog's back legs and shouted "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog lay still. "Jump, frog, jump!" the scientist repeated. The frog remained motionless. The scientist noted in his journal "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."
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