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Golf Jokes

Indecency at the First Hole

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are playing golf with their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband asks.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency here's £50 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers! Why not?"

She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!".

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"

She too explains "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any."

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit."

The G Spot

Q. What's the difference between a G Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Lost and Found

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years, sees a speck on the horizon.

He thinks to himself "'Tis certainly not a ship."

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerges from the surf a wet-suited, black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear, there stands a drop-dead gorgeous blonde.

The blonde strides up to the stunned Irishman and says to him "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the amazed Irishman.

With that, she unzips a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah," says the man. "That is so good. I almost forgot how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asks the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replies "Ten years."

Hearing that, unzips a pocket on her right sleeve, there, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask and takes a long drink.

"'Tis nectar of the gods!" exclaims the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde starts to slowly unzip the front of her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looks at the trembling man and asks "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman falls to his knees and sobs "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've golf clubs in there too!"

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Tee Time

Fred, playing as a single at St Andrews, was teamed with a twosome.

After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.

He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years, but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought someone would have been willing to take her spot.

"So did I," he said. "But they all wanted to go to the funeral."

Take A Walk

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of labour.

The instructor said "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner."

The room went quiet.

Finally, a man raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the instructor.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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