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Lawyer Jokes

The Lesser of Two Evils

For three years, a young solicitor had been taking short vacations at a country inn. On his last visit, he'd finally managed to get his leg over with the innkeeper's daughter.

On arriving for his next visit, he was looking forward to an exciting few days, but he stopped short as he was climbing the stairs to his room. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have been married and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said. "When my parents found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Hollow Threat

An engineer died and ended up in Hell.

He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flushed, air conditioning and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him.

"So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied "Things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised.

"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have been sent down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer and I'm keeping him."

God threatened "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered "Yeah, right! And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

After the Flood

An American doctor holidaying on the French Riviera by chance met an old friend, a lawyer from England. He asked him how he came to be there.

The lawyer replied "Remember that lousy apartment block in London that I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled.

"Jesus!" he said. "How did you start the flood?"

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Valentine's Day

A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged fellow standing at the counter, methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent over the envelopes.

The first man's curiosity gets the better of him, so he asks the man with the perfume what he is doing.

"I'm sending 5,000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess who?'" comes the reply.

"But why?" asks the first man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

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