Love and MarriageJudgement Day The day of judgement has arrived. God says "All the women should line up behind St Peter and follow him." A long queue of women forms and is led off by St Peter. God continues "The men should form two lines: to the left, all who have been dominated by their wives on Earth; and, to the right, all who have dominated their wives." A long queue of men forms to God's left, leaving one man standing to his right. God is not impressed. Glowering at the long line on his left, he booms "You should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image and what happened? You were pussy whipped by a woman!" Turning to the sole man on his right, he continues "But at least there is one man here who I can be proud of. Tell me, my son, how did you come to be in this line?" To which the man replied "My wife told me to stand here." An Opportunity Too Good To Miss One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy negligee. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her to the bed and went to the golf club. The Hit Man Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course, when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said. "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of their new partner. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked him "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," he replied. "You're joking!" "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are the tools of my trade." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said one of the men. "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right," he announced. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man and asked "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate. £1,000 per shot." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour. He's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" asked the man impatiently. "Just wait a moment and be patient," said the hit man calmly. "I think I can save you a grand here."
False Start A man had been suffering from premature ejaculation for some time, so he decided to visit his doctor and ask for some advice about the problem. The doctor listened to his patient's outpourings and then advised "At the moment you are about to ejaculate, startle yourself. That should cure the problem." The man left the surgery and, en route to his office, drove past a sports shop. This gave him an idea, so he parked up, went into the shop and bought a starting pistol. Convinced that he had found the cure for his problem, he couldn't concentrate on work. Just after lunch, he decided that he just had to go home and see whether the doctor's advice and his idea for implementing it would work. "Think I'm coming down with a summer cold," he told his secretary. "But I'll probably see you tomorrow." So he raced home and ran into the house. To his great surprise and delight, his wife was naked and lying in bed. In no mood to ask why, but thanking his lucky stars, he tore off his clothes and jumped into bed with her. It wasn't long before they assumed the 69 position. Moments later, as he felt that familiar sensation, the man reached for the starting pistol and BANG! The following day, the man paid another visit to his doctor. "Success?" asked the doctor. "Mixed," replied the man. He explained his idea about the starting pistol and went on to recall the events of the previous afternoon. "I fired the pistol and, like you said, that stopped me from cumming; but my wife crapped on my face and bit three inches off my penis and then our neighbour came out of the wardrobe, stark naked, with his hands in the air." Lottery Win A woman came home and shouted at the top of her lungs "Honey! Pack your bags. I won the lottery!" Her husband said "Oh my God! What should I pack? Beach stuff or skiing gear?" "Doesn't matter," she replied. "Just get out!" Rubbing It In Fresh from her shower, a woman stood in front of a mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Her husband came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. Do that three times every day." Willing to try anything, the wife fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," her husband replied. The wife stopped. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" Her husband replied "Well it worked for your arse, didn't it?"
Shafted A man walks into a pub and asks for a pint of beer. "Certainly, sir. That will be 10p," said the barman. "10p? That's awesome!" exclaimed the man. So he took a look at the food menu and asked "Could I have a mixed grill with all the works?" "Certainly, sir," replied the barman. "But that comes to real money." "How much?" asked the man. "50p," replied the barman. "50p!" exclaimed the man. "Where's the person who owns this place?" The barman replied "Upstairs with my wife." The man asked "What's he doing with your wife?" The barman replied "Same as I'm doing to his business. A Heart Stopping Encounter A man came home from work early one day. He couldn't find his wife downstairs, so he made his way upstairs. Hearing a noise in the bedroom, he looked in and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" "Hang in there, darling!" he ordered and rushed to the telephone on the other side of the bed. En route, he tripped over his four year old son, who was curled up on the floor and crying. "Be brave, son!" said the man. "Your mother will be fine." "But Daddy!" exclaimed the little boy. "There's a man in the wardrobe. And he's got no clothes on!" The man ran to the wardrobe, opened the door and there was his best friend, stark naked. "Damn it, man," he shouted. "Jane's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids! Fourth Time Around A woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies" he responded. "Killed any?" she asked. "Three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell?" "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone." Fourth Time Around A middle-aged couple met, fell in love and got married. On their wedding night, they were settling into bed when the wife sprang a surprise. "Please promise to be gentle," she said. I'm still a virgin." "That's impossible!" replied her husband. "I'm your fourth husband." "It's true though," his wife asured him and went on to explain. "My first husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it." "My second husband was a gynaecologist. All he ever wanted to do was look at it." "And my third husband was a stamp collector. All he ever wanted to do was... God, I miss him!"
Gifts That Say... A rich man and a poor man share the same wedding anniversary. They're both in Oxford Street, shopping for their respective wives. The poor man says to the rich man "What did you get your wife this year?" The rich man replies "A BMW and a diamond ring." The poor man asks "Why did you get her a car and a ring?" The rich man says "Well if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll be happy driving to the shop to return it." The poor man says "That's a nice thought." The rich man asks "What did you get your wife?" The poor man replies "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks "Why a dildo?" The poor man replies "Well if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself." Blow Job After years of loyal but not happy marriage, a wife cremated her husband. She took the urn back home and spread some ashes on the table. Taking the rolling pin, she gave them a solid whack. "That's for drinking and gambling away all of our spare money," she shouted. Then she gave them another vicious whack. "And that's for being unfaithful on more than one occasion," she cried. By now the ashes were all over the table, so she blew them on to the floor and said "And that's the blow job you always wanted." Bad For Your Health A doctor was addressing a large audience about nutrition. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here," he said. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous." He paused and then asked "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A small, wizened man of senior years in the front row raised his hand and suggested "Wedding cake?" Too Much in Common A man goes to a singles club for the first time and strikes up a conversation with a woman. "So what brings you here?" asked the woman? "My wife and I split up because we had too much in common," said the man. "Really?" asked the woman. "Yeah," said the man. "We both liked to eat pussy."
Reincarnation Colin came home stinking drunk from the pub late one Friday evening and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep himself. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Colin. "And what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead?! That can't be! I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away." St Peter replied "You can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Colin was devastated but, knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replied Colin. "But I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never!" replied Colin. "Well just relax and let it happen," said the rooster. And so he did; and a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him - ever! The joy kept coming but, as he was about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting. Colin! Wake up you drunken bastard! You're shitting in the bed!" The Difference A man married a woman with an identical twin sister. Less than
a year later, he filed for a divorce. Shooting Practise An old man and his wife are lying in bed when the old man lets out a loud fart. He says "One nil." His wife asks "What?" The old man says "That was a goal. I'm winning one nil." A few minutes later the wife lets one rip. She says "Goal! One all." Almost immediately, the old boy farts again. "Goal! I've regained the lead. 2-1." By way of an immediate response, the wife hits back straight away and farts again. "Goal! Two all." The old man tries to fart again, but he just can't summon up the gas. Finally he gives it everything he has, but the strain is too much and he follows through. "What was that?" asks his wife. The old man replies "The half time whistle. Switch sides!"
Second Honeymoon A couple decide to return to the hotel where they honeymooned for their 25th anniversary. The wife asked the husband "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." As she undressed, the wife asked "And what are you thinking now?" Her husband replied "It looks as though I did a pretty good job." Men! and Women My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs so that he couldn't get back in. *** A couple are lying in bed. The man said "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replied "I'll miss you." *** "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack, as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" His wife replied "Probably that I married you for your money." *** Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? *** He said "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly." She said "Well you succeeded." *** On a wall in ladies room somebody wrote "My husband follows me everywhere..." And below it somebody else penned the response "I do not!" *** He said "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She said "That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart." *** He said "What have you been doing with all the housekeeping money I give you?" She said "Turn sideways and look in the mirror." Taking No Chances A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother in law. The mother-in-law dies. The couple go to an undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land will cost only $150. "We'll ship her home," says the guy. The undertaker asks "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy says "2,000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Stress A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's surgery. After the check up, the doctor called the man's wife into his office. "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease induced by stress," he said. "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure that he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him." "Don't burden him with chores, especially after he's had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse." "Most importantly, make love to your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next year, I think you husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the man asked his wife "What did the doctor say?" She replied "You're going to die." Who Are You Calling a Pig? An Englishman living in Wales walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom, where his wife is lying in bed, reading PlayGirl and wearing her sexiest undies. "Darling," he says. "This is the ugly, fat pig I have to screw when you're not around." "You idiot," the wife says. "That's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," replied the husband. "I wasn't talking to you." Everything Has Its Price A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. "Out drinking again?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?" "£300," answers the man. "£300!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night." "That's easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink and you have your own pussy." The Ravages of Time Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the ravages of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hold on!" said Andy. "I haven't added them up yet." Test of Character I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiance's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred. Then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that, before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door. There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was assinine bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them. I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom... Hello, Uncle! Sam was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy, when his brother and sister-in-law barged into the room holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" shouted his brother. "Why not?" asked Sam. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday, like Wendy and me have here?" Sam said nothing, while his brother grew impatient. "Come on, Sam! I want a nephew," the brother pleaded. "Make me an uncle!" Sam gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," his brother replied. "It would be an honour." So Sam replied "Well congratulations, you're holding him!" Make a List! A man had been having problems with his dick, so he consulted his doctor. After a couple of tests, the doctor said "I'm sorry, but you've overdone it. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left." The man walked home, deeply depressed. His wife was waiting for him at the front door and asked him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He told her and she replied "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We must make a list!" He replied "I already did that on the way home and your name isn't on it." The Safe Choice A famous sex therapist was invited onto a radio show. After the therapist had been interviewed by the host, the show moved on to taking questions from listeners. The first caller asked "Doctor, why do men always want to marry a virgin? To which the doctor responded "To avoid criticism. Rampant Finger A man of 90 years married a young woman who was barely out of her teens. When they were tucked up in bed in the honeymoon suite, the newly-wed bride turned to her husband and asked "Are we going to have rampant sex tonight?" The old man responded by raising his right hand with the fingers outstretched. "Wow! You mean we're going to do it five times?" asked his wife. "No, my darling," he replied. "Just pick a finger. How's It Hanging? Sam had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so, seeing them on sale one day, he bought a pair and wore them home. He walked into the living room and asked his wife "Notice anything different, Helen?" Helen looked him over and said "No." "Come on, Helen," he insisted. "Take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Helen looked again and, puzzled, said "No." Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and returned to the living room, stark naked except for his boots. A little louder this time, he asked "Notice anything different?" Helen looked at him and said "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yelled "And do you know why it's hanging down, woman? It's hanging down because it's admiring my new boots!" "Sam," Helen replied, "You should've bought a hat." Hoist By His Own BBQ A married couple were working in their garden one day, when the husband looked over at his wife and said "Your arse is getting really big. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue grill." With that, he found a measuring tape and measured the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured her bottom. "I was right!" he said triumphantly. "Your arse is two inches wider than the barbecue grill." His wife chose to ignore him. Later that night, when they were settled in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances toward his wife, who brushed him away. "What's wrong?" he asked. She answered "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-arsed grill for one little weenie?" Aural Sex A man says to his wife "I fancy kinky sex. How about you let me shoot my load in your ear?" His wife replies "Not on your life! I might go deaf!" To which the man replies "I've been cumming in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?" Late Night Caller A man is lying in bed with his wife one night when the telephone rings. The man picks up the receiver, listens to the caller and then shouts "WELL HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW? I'M NOT THE BLOODY WEATHERMAN!" He hangs up. His wife asks "Who on earth was that, darling?" Her husband replied "Just some twat asking if the coast was clear." Unwelcome Behaviour Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed to this condition and, two weeks later, returned to report. The pastor asked the elderly couple "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The husband replied "No problem at all, Father." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest. Then the priest asked the middle-aged couple "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The husband replied "The first week wasn't too bad, but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights. But yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest. Then the priest asks the newlywed couple "And were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well, no," admitted the husband. "What happened?" asked the priest. The husband explained "We were at the supermarket and my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," said the priest. "That's a bugger," said the young man. "We're not welcome at Tescos any more either." Young Lovers A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk in the countryside. As they stroll hand in hand along the country lane, the young man's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when his partner says "I hope you don't mind, but I need to have a pee." "Go behind that hedge," he suggests, nodding at some nearby vegetation. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight white panties sliding down voluptuous legs and begins to imagine what loveliness is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the hedge and touches her smooth, bare leg. He brings his hand further up to her thigh. Then he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. "My God! Have you changed sex?" he asks. "No," she replies, "I've changed my mind. I'm having a shit instead." Stupid Question A man arrives home from work and finds his wife shagging the young lad from next door. "What the hell are you doing?!" asks the man. "I'm riding a bus," the young lad replies. "That's a stupid thing to say!" says the man. "That's a stupid thing to ask!" replies the lad. Sinister Answers A husband and his wife were playing golf one day when the wife asked "Darling, if I died, would you get married again?" The husband said "No, dear." His wife replied "I'm sure you would." So the husband said "OK. Maybe I would." Then the wife asked "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" The husband replied "Yes, I guess I would." Then his wife asked "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied "No. She's left handed." Automatic Response A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load, so I did it by hand." Safety First... and Second A businessman is packing for a trip abroad. As usual, the last item of luggage to receive his attention is his briefcase. He looks inside the briefcase and finds a condom. "Honey," he says to his wife, sounding somewhat exasperated, "Why do you always put a condom in my briefcase whenever I go on a trip? You know that I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful." "I know that, darling and I do trust you," his wife replies sweetly. "It's just that with all the terrible diseases in the world nowadays, it makes me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please take it with you, won't you? If only for my peace of mind?" "OK, as you put it that way," he relented. "I'll do it for you. But for safety's sake, you'd better give me more than one." No Excuses A wife was trying to explain her purchase of some expensive lingerie. "After all, dear," she said to her husband. "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver." Shotgun Marriage Bill and Lynn had married under rather unfortunate circumstances. Their married life hadn't been anything to brag about either. To everyone's amazement, after living together for 35 years, Bill decided he wanted a divorce. In court, the judge asked for the grounds on which Bill was seeking to divorce his wife. "It's like this, your Honour," answered Bill. "I've just learned that Lynn's father never had a license to carry a gun." The Meaning of Friendship Here is the true meaning of friendship. If a woman doesn't come home to her husband at night and tells him she slept over at a friend's house, the man calls his wife's 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it. If a man doesn't come home to his wife one night and he tells her he slept over at a friend's house, she calls her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them say he did sleep over and two claim he's still there. After Taste Why won't cannibals eat divorced women? Because they are always bitter. Proud Father A gang member was holding his eight month old baby when it "Mother." The guy hollered to his wife "Hey! The baby just said half a word!"
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