Pensioner JokesFragrant Encounter A young and beautiful woman gets into a lift, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman in the corner and says arrogantly "Giorgio Beverly Hills, £100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets into the lift and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says "Chanel No. 5, £150 an ounce!" Three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get out of the lift. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, squeezes out a fart and says "Broccoli, 49p a pound!" Three Knots An 80 year old sailor is feeling quite randy, so he puts on his old uniform, goes down to the docks and picks up a prostitute. After 10 minutes of puffing and panting, he says "I haven't done this for a while how am I doing?" The prostitute says "You're a sailor, so I would say you are doing three knots." The old man says "I'm sorry, but I don't get what you mean." The prostitute says "You're not hard, you're not in and you're not getting your money back." The Hypnotist It was entertainment night at a nursing home. The Amazing Claude, a famed hypnotist, was topping the bill. At the start of the show, Claude announced "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience." The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each and every one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." Dozens of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit!" exclaimed Claude. It took three days to clean up the place.
That Old Feeling A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home from the clinic, he goes into a shop and buys a newspaper. Before leaving, he says to the man behind the counter "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," comes the reply. "Actually I'm 47," the man says and leaves feeling very happy for himself. A few minutes later, he's feeling hungry and decides to pop into McDonald's, where he asks the guy at the till the same question. "I'd guess that you're 29," says the young guy. "Actually I'm 47," says the man, who by now is feeling really good about himself. He comes to a bus stop and stands in the queue. Noticing that there is only one other person - a little old lady - also waiting for a bus, he asks her the same question. The little old lady replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going, but when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your penis for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else at the bus stop, the man agreed. So the little old lady slipped one hand into his trousers. Ten minutes later, she "OK. You are 47." Stunned, the man says "That is amazing! How did you know that?" The old lady replies "I was behind you in McDonald's". Tremble, Tremble A little old lady entered a sex shop. Very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbled across the shop to the counter and grabbed it for support. She asked the counter assistant "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?" Trying not to burst out laughing, the assistant replied "Yes. In fact we carry a wide range." The old woman asked "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The assistant responded "Yes we do." So the old woman asked "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?" After Thoughts Two pensioners had been dating for a few weeks. Finally, the evening came when they decided to have sex. As they lay in bed afterward, the man thought to himself "If I'd known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her." And the woman thought to herself "If I'd known he could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose."
Proof of Id A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of older people buy cat food to eat and the government requires proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. They sold her dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier refused, saying "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, pulled it out and exclaimed "That smells like shit!" The little old lady said "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Long and Smelly What's 50 yards long and smells of piss? The queue in the post office queue on pension day. The Benefit of Age A reporter is interviewing a woman aged 104. He asks "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?" The woman replies "No peer pressure."
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