Religious JokesCock Up A priest had a flock of hens and a prize cockerel, of which he was very proud. One day the cockerel disappeared. Believing that the cockerel had been stolen, at the Sunday sermon he stood in the pulpit and asked "Does anyone here have a cock?" All the men in the congregation stand up. Annoyed, the priest shouts "No! I mean has anyone here seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women in the congregation stand up. Now the priest gets really angry and says "No! No! No! Has anyone seen MY cock?" And all the choirboys stand up. Holy Fright Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Father's room out and found pornographic magazines. It was disgusting! So I threw them out." The second nun said "That's nothing! When I was cleaning his room, I found condoms. So I took a pin and pricked little holes in them." The third nun fainted. The VIP Passenger The Pope arrives in New York for a UN conference, but he is running a bit late. As he comes out of the airline termmal, he says to the driver of the limousine sent to collect him "I have to be at the UN building in 30 minutes." "30 minutes!" replies the driver. "It takes at least an hour at this time of day. I can`t do it" "Well get out and let me drive" says the Pope The driver is a bit taken back by this, but he jumps in the back seat while the Pope drives. The Pope is flying along the highway, dodging in and out of traffic, when he zooms past a speed cop. The cop pursues the speeding limo. Finally, he catches up, pulls it over and asks the driver to wind down the window. Seeing the Pope, he gets on his radio for assistance. "This is road patrol 439 to base. I need some help!" "What's up?" asks HQ. "I've pulled someone over for speeding and they are very big. What should I do?" "How big are they? A local politician?" asks HQ "No, bigger than that." "The mayor?" "No, bigger than that." "A movie star?" "No, bigger than that." "Not the President?" "No, bigger than that." "Bigger than that?!" asks HQ. "Who the hell is it?" "I don't know," replies the cop. "But he's got the Pope as a driver!"
Spare Rib One day in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God and said "Lord, I have a problem." "What's that?" God asked. "Well, Lord, I know that you created me and have provided for me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm not happy. I'm lonely." God thought for a bit and then said "I have the perfect solution! I shall create a woman for you." "What's a woman?" asked Adam. "The most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature that I have ever created. So intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. So sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Beauty to rival that of the heavens." "Sounds good," said Adam, becoming rather excited. "There's more!" said God. "She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you." "Sounds great!" "Be warned though, Adam. This is going to cost you." "How much?" asks Adam. "She'll cost your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear and your left testicle," replied God. Adam didn't like the sound of this, so he thought it over for a while and then asked "What can I get for a rib?" And, as they say, the rest is history... Second Chance Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. St Peter says "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months back on Earth to be anyone you wish to be." The first nun says "I want to be Angeline Jolie." St Peter waves his hand and whoosh! the nun is gone back to Earth as Angeline Jolie. The second nun says "I want to be Madonna." St Peter waves his hand and whoosh! the nun is gone back to Earth as Madonna. The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini" St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini," replies the nun. St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No, sister! That says it was the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." Useless Tit In the beginning, God was a woman. She created woman in her own likeness, giving her a beautiful world to live in. One day, woman comes to God with a request. She says "God, thank you for this beautiful world and making me in your likeness, but I really need a favour. This third tit you gave me - you know, the one in the centre? Well it's really useless, so could you take it away?" God says "Sure can, woman" and zap! the third tit is gone. A while later, woman comes to God with another request. She says "God, thank you for everything, but it's getting a little lonely down here. Could you make me a mate, someone different from me who knows what to do with all of these wonderful body parts?" God says "Sure thing! I just need something to fashion your new partner. Now, where did I put that useless tit?"
The Nun's Tale A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we, sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained. A month or so later ,the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we, Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again. A couple of months later, the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said "Cute little fart." And God Made Woman When God gave Adam a beautiful garden, it was bordered by a crystal clear stream that flowed slowly into the sea. Then Eve came along and, on the morning of her second day in the garden, went down to the stream and started to wash herself. Alarmed, Adam yelled "Get out of there! What do you think the fish are going to smell like now?"
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